The Hunger Games

In the Fall of 2016 I set out to find a new OBGYN (my old one was in Westchester and had informed me the year prior that she was no longer delivering babies, so it seemed like the perfect time to switch). To say the search was like finding a needle in a haystack is really sugar coating it. Finding an OBGYN in Manhattan who is 1- accepting new patients 2- takes your insurance and 3 - will actually follow your care and not rotate you through the practice’ 19 other doctors is more difficult than winning the hunger games. On my 11th phone call (no exaggeration) I was successful and felt like I'd won the lottery. I booked an appointment for 2 months later and called it a day.

On the day of my appointment I sprung out of bed like it was the first day of school. I arrived at the office at 10:45, 15 minutes ahead of schedule, thankyouverymuch. As the clock struck 11, I excitedly waited for my name to be called. I checked email, scrolled Instagram, bided my time. When 11:15 rolled around I remained optimistic, pshh every doctor runs 15 minutes behind. At 11:30 I was beginning to get antsy. By 12 I had rounded the corner of starving and was rapidly approaching the intersection of annoyed and over it. By 12:30, the hunger games were looking pretty good. By 1 the waiting room had dwindled from 10 to 3 and I checked in at the desk (again) only to be told "it shouldn't be much longer".

Finally at 1:30, a mere 2 hours and 30 minutes after my scheduled appointment, my name was called. I was led back through a small hallway into the doctor's office and told she would be in shortly. Finally, the door opened and the doctor walked in. She apologized for the wait to which I sheepishly replied "it's ok" when in reality I was thinking “lady you have no idea how close I came to a melt down”. She explained she had had two new patients that morning and an emergency so she had gotten behind. I liked that she addressed the issue and didn’t rush through my time with her. We went through the basics and talked about my plans to start a family. I told her we were a few months off and hoped to get pregnant that summer (it was December). After a quick exam, a brief discussion about birth control and a “call me when you don’t get your period” I was off, thrust onto the streets of the upper east side into the pre-evening glow of NYC winters. Never mind I had arrived in the morning, never mind I hadn’t eaten all day, never mind it took 10 unsuccessful phone calls to find her, never mind I literally waited in her office all day, this is sure to be the start of a beautiful friendship.

The other 1%

As I thought about my return to blogging, it felt funny to start writing about Ari without sharing anything about my pregnancy or our journey to get pregnant. Yet, it also feels funny to go back to the beginning now that he’s here and almost 5 months old, but this is my blog and I get to decide, so back we go.

Many people think that the process of getting pregnant should be private. That it shouldn't be discussed beyond your partner or immediate family and that it certainly shouldn’t be documented on a blog. To them I say, I couldn't disagree more.

For the % of people for whom getting pregnant isn’t easy, the process can feel endless. It can quickly go from a romantic notion of expanding your family to a doctor going, blood drawing, ultrasounding whirlwind. Above all, it can be lonely. When we first started thinking about getting pregnant I didn't talk about it because doing so felt strange. It wasn’t really anyone’s business and it also wasn’t something that could easily be worked into conversation. “How was your weekend?”  “Good. Went out for dinner, saw a movie, took an ovulation test. You?” As the weeks rolled by and the ovulation tests remained blank, friends who knew we wanted kids started asking or mentioning their own plans. At each pregnancy announcement, baby shower and friend’s kid’s birthday party the conversation would inevitably turn to me. At that point, not saying anything felt like lying but going into detail about my monthly cycle felt slightly creepy. Finally I realized that by not saying anything, I was in fact saying something. So I said f#$* it and started telling the truth. Fertility is such a personal thing yet it’s also universal. The more I talked about it, prepared for it, shared my fears around it and googled it, the more I began to feel like this lonely journey, wasn’t so lonely after all.

The next few posts will be dedicated to our experience – what we went through, how we handled it and why I’m so glad I didn’t listen to other people!

My Boyfriend's Back

My blog is back and it’s better than ever, hey nowwww hey nowwww my blog is back.

This post evokes feelings of nostalgia, excitement, terror, and hope all at the same time. It’s amazing how so many emotions can exist at once yet here we are.

When I took a break from blogging a few years ago it happened naturally. My life changed, work got busy, and the blog started to feel less relevant but, in recent months I’ve felt a draw back to it.

Since I last wrote, my life has changed pretty dramatically. I got married and surprise! had a baby. In May we welcomed the most (not biased at all) amazing baby boy, Ari, into the world and he sure is something. I’ve been on maternity leave since May and the time off has been invigorating. When I graduated from college in 2009, I started at Ogilvy right away and worked my a#! off for the last 9 years. I was never not working. Even on vacation, and my honeymoon, I checked email, kept projects going, answered questions etc. I was the person who’d answer emails before bed, as soon as I woke up, in the gym, on planes, you name it. No one “made” me do it, it’s just who I am and while I’m sure I could have disconnected, I never really felt the need. While I was doing it, it felt normal. The constant stress, deadlines, office politics, need to meet other people’s expectations, etc.

Now that I’ve had an opportunity to hit pause, to truly be away from work and disengage for almost 5 months, I’ve been able to re-evaluate my life, myself, my priorities and I feel like a new person. Spending the days with my son, though exhausting and often frustrating, have been the happiest days of my life and for the first time, I feel like the very best version of myself. I don’t have all the answers, I don’t know what my next chapter looks like or where i’ll be in 6 months-1 year but I do know that it feels like the perfect time to return to Never Enough Icing. As I navigate motherhood, returning to work, life in the city, marriage etc I hope you’ll come along for the ride. Buckle up, it’s sure to be exciting.